Think of nervousness as your body’s way of saying: “This matters to me.” That’s not a weakness — it’s a sign you care. But if you don’t handle it, anxiety takes over and stops you from being yourself.
Here’s the checklist I share with my clients.
Do: prepare lightly
- Pick an outfit in advance so you don’t panic 10 minutes before leaving.
- Choose one or two conversation starters (not a script, just little ideas like “ask about their travels” or “share a funny memory”).
- Take a few deep breaths before stepping out — oxygen calms the nervous system.
One of my clients, Sara, once told me she used to arrive at dates sweaty and late because she couldn’t decide what to wear. Now she prepares the night before. “It’s like packing for a trip,” she laughs, “but the trip is just three hours long.”
Do: shift focus outward
Nervous people often focus too much on themselves: “Do I look okay? Am I saying the right thing?” The trick is to flip that energy. Listen actively, notice small details, ask genuine questions.
I once had a client who carried a small mental trick: whenever his anxiety grew, he silently asked himself, “What color are her eyes?” It grounded him in the present moment, instead of spinning in his own head.
Don’t: expect perfection
Dates are not movie scenes. There may be awkward pauses, a wrong joke, or a spilled drink. That’s normal.
The pressure to be perfect makes people robotic. The couples who laugh at mistakes often end up with stronger chemistry than those who try too hard to avoid them.
Don’t: drown nerves in alcohol
Some think: “If I have two or three drinks before, I’ll be relaxed.” Maybe. But often you’ll end up saying things you regret, or worse, forgetting the details of the date. A little is fine, but don’t rely on alcohol as your “confidence.”
Do: reframe nervousness
Instead of calling it “fear,” call it “excitement.” The physical signs are almost the same: faster heartbeat, sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach. Athletes do this before big games, performers do it before going on stage. You can too.
When I reframed my own nerves years ago, dates stopped feeling like exams and started feeling like adventures.
Don’t: cancel last minute
The worst mistake is letting nerves convince you not to go. I once coached a man who canceled three dates in a row because of fear. After some work, he finally went on the fourth one. That woman is now his wife. Imagine if he had canceled again.
In conclusion
Nervousness will never disappear completely — and that’s a good thing. It adds energy, makes you alert, shows you care. The trick is not to eliminate it, but to guide it. Prepare a little, breathe, laugh at mistakes, and focus on the person in front of you.
As I tell my clients: “Don’t try to kill your butterflies. Just teach them to fly in formation.”
